Here's a poem that I found. It's only been a month and not a year for me, but this is how i feel.
Another anniversary of the day that I lost you
It's really very simple, that day I lost me too
Although I try to find the me that I used to be
I will never find that person, for she is lost to me
I know it sounds confusing to those that have no clue
That when you lose a child, you also then lose you
It sounds like one big riddle that I should work on through
But there is not an answer, not one thing I can do
Grief is what has come to me and changed me from within
It has burrowed deep inside of me, like it's a second skin
No one should live on this way but there was little choice
When grief was handed out to me, I didn't have a voice
I often wonder who I am since losing my sweet child
In the world in which I live in, I've been forced into denial
With every anniversary that marks another year
Are thoughts that come from others, that my pain should disappear
I am a mother who has lost a child on a tragic day
And with that loss it took my dreams, and visions far away
I would have chose to leave instead, for life is not so good
For all that ever mattered, was my son and motherhood.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
update, and a little on Ireland
hello,
Just wanted to stop and do a little updating. My little boy Ty just turned 4 yesterday and we had his party on Saturday. He had a blast! Rob and I got him a trampoline, and then he got a lot of toys from his friends and cousins. After the party we had some friends over, and we stayed up and talked all night. I say we had friends, but what i mean is Rob had friends over. We all had a good time though and it kept me from going to bed and thinking of Jackson for 5 hours until i finally go to sleep. I do that every night, and then i dream about him. I try so hard not to think about him when i go to bed, but my head just wont stop. The birthday party was kind of bittersweet because on that day Jackson would have been 1 month old. Also Rob and i use to talk about the day Jackson came home from the hospital, and Rob always thought that Jackson's stay would be short no matter what Jackson was going through (ecmo) Rob seemed to think as soon as he got through that everything else would just fly by. I would always say " Rob i think he might have to stay in there a bit longer but that would be the best thing in the world for us to bring home our new baby boy on Tys birthday". We really believed that Jackson was going to make it and get to come home with us. So i started thinking what Rob use to say and how we use to think, and i got a little sad while Ty was opening up his gifts. I made myself get it together and finish the party, everything ended up being better. It's just hard to think that i just had a baby 4 weeks ago and he died. I don't get to show him off, i don't get to love on him, he doesn't get to be at our family birthdays or holidays, he doesn't even get to have his first birthday. I don't see how this is Gods plan, but it is. We will never get to have our whole family together, even if we have 5 more kids our family will never be complete. It saddens me that death was the outcome for our sweet baby Jackson. It saddens me that i dream about him every night, and Ty doesn't have his brother here with him, that Rob doesn't get to be a daddy to his first born son, and that we will never be ok. I am so very saddened by all of that, but we are making it some how and one day we will get to see our Jackson in heaven. We love you Jackson!
I also wanted to mention Ireland and her family. Ireland lived for 11 days with cdh and passed just 2 days ago. It really breaks my heart for this family. I know all to well what their going through, it is horrible. I am praying for you Chanda, Mikey, and Tristen. Only God can help the pain. I know the pain is so so hard to deal with right now, and i can't tell you that is gets easier because it's only been 3 weeks since we lost Jackson and it still hurts the same. I don't understand why God has baby Ireland and she's not with her parents, but there is a reason, we just don't understand. I thought Jackson was perfect as did everyone that met him. I know yall thought and felt Ireland was perfect. I really do believe that these babies that leave the earth so early are perfect. I think God made them perfect, and you see no perfect person can be on this earth it's not possible. We are sinners. God just let us see what perfect was and gave us the chance to love our perfect babies. You see i think God gave us a gift just to be able to hold and love a perfect pure soul that he created for us. So as much as you miss Ireland, consider what i have said and know that she was just to perfect for this world. Love you both.......
Just wanted to stop and do a little updating. My little boy Ty just turned 4 yesterday and we had his party on Saturday. He had a blast! Rob and I got him a trampoline, and then he got a lot of toys from his friends and cousins. After the party we had some friends over, and we stayed up and talked all night. I say we had friends, but what i mean is Rob had friends over. We all had a good time though and it kept me from going to bed and thinking of Jackson for 5 hours until i finally go to sleep. I do that every night, and then i dream about him. I try so hard not to think about him when i go to bed, but my head just wont stop. The birthday party was kind of bittersweet because on that day Jackson would have been 1 month old. Also Rob and i use to talk about the day Jackson came home from the hospital, and Rob always thought that Jackson's stay would be short no matter what Jackson was going through (ecmo) Rob seemed to think as soon as he got through that everything else would just fly by. I would always say " Rob i think he might have to stay in there a bit longer but that would be the best thing in the world for us to bring home our new baby boy on Tys birthday". We really believed that Jackson was going to make it and get to come home with us. So i started thinking what Rob use to say and how we use to think, and i got a little sad while Ty was opening up his gifts. I made myself get it together and finish the party, everything ended up being better. It's just hard to think that i just had a baby 4 weeks ago and he died. I don't get to show him off, i don't get to love on him, he doesn't get to be at our family birthdays or holidays, he doesn't even get to have his first birthday. I don't see how this is Gods plan, but it is. We will never get to have our whole family together, even if we have 5 more kids our family will never be complete. It saddens me that death was the outcome for our sweet baby Jackson. It saddens me that i dream about him every night, and Ty doesn't have his brother here with him, that Rob doesn't get to be a daddy to his first born son, and that we will never be ok. I am so very saddened by all of that, but we are making it some how and one day we will get to see our Jackson in heaven. We love you Jackson!
I also wanted to mention Ireland and her family. Ireland lived for 11 days with cdh and passed just 2 days ago. It really breaks my heart for this family. I know all to well what their going through, it is horrible. I am praying for you Chanda, Mikey, and Tristen. Only God can help the pain. I know the pain is so so hard to deal with right now, and i can't tell you that is gets easier because it's only been 3 weeks since we lost Jackson and it still hurts the same. I don't understand why God has baby Ireland and she's not with her parents, but there is a reason, we just don't understand. I thought Jackson was perfect as did everyone that met him. I know yall thought and felt Ireland was perfect. I really do believe that these babies that leave the earth so early are perfect. I think God made them perfect, and you see no perfect person can be on this earth it's not possible. We are sinners. God just let us see what perfect was and gave us the chance to love our perfect babies. You see i think God gave us a gift just to be able to hold and love a perfect pure soul that he created for us. So as much as you miss Ireland, consider what i have said and know that she was just to perfect for this world. Love you both.......
Sunday, August 30, 2009
PRAY PRAY PRAY...4 IRELAND!
PRAYING FOR IRELAND, CHANDA, AND MIKEY! THEY ARE FACING WHAT ROB AND I FACED THE LAST 2 DAYS OF JACKSONS LIFE. IT'S JUST SO HEARTBREAKING. I STILL BELIEVE THAT IREALND HAS A CHANCE. ALL I CAN DO IS BE POSITIVE FOR THIS VERY SWEET FAMILY, THERE IS STILL HOPE IN HER SITUATION. AS LITTLE AS THE HOPE MIGHT BE, IT'S STILL HERE! PLEASE PRAY FOR THIS FAMILY, THEY NEED SO MANY PRAYERS NO MATTER WHAT THE OUTCOME. I'VE BEEN THERE, PLEASE JUST PRAY.
CANDICE BROOKE
CANDICE BROOKE
Friday, August 28, 2009
IT'S SO UNFAIR.....
It's so unfair! I can't stop crying tonight, and i miss him so bad! This is just the worse thing ever. It's just not fair. I miss my baby so much. The hurt i have is like no other pain i have ever felt before. My heart just hurts so bad and i can't make it better. His room is still set up and waiting on him. I just can't get rid of his things.......I'm just having a hard night and thought i would post.
CANDICE
CANDICE
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
MISSING BABY JACKSON
Sorry i never blog,
Every time I think to post, I just can't come up with the words to say. All I know to say is that CDH is horrible. I could go on and on about how bad my days can get if i let it get to me, but who wants to hear all that...I will say that I never in a million years thought that I would have to suffer the loss of my child. I hear of mothers all the time that have gone through the loss of their children, and I always thought there is no way in the world that i could ever handle that if it were to happen to me. Guess what it did. Even though it is the hardest thing in the world I believe God has helped me cope. I really wouldn't be strong enough without him, I didn't think I could ever handle something like this, but I'm doing it. There are some days that i just can't get Jackson out of my head and I think i just don't want to go on, I just want to be in heaven taking care of my baby and not suffering anymore, but as soon as i think that God lets me know real fast that i have a family here that needs me and Jackson is better then ever. I still think he needs his mommy though. Ok all you people out there don't take that as i want to kill myself. I've never thought that at all, I just think i want to be with my son, my baby boy that I love so much, then i realize i would have to die to be with him and I don't want that at all. Ty needs me! Everyone tells me that I'm so strong and they don't know how I do it, like i said before it has to be God, because I don't know how i do it either. I don't feel I'm a strong person. I feel like I'm falling apart on the inside and I just know how to hold it in very well. I'll tell you the strongest person I know and that is Rob. He has been so strong for me and Ty. I know he hurts so terribly bad but yet he still goes to work everyday and comes home with a smile on his face ready to see his family. He loves us so much and it's just amazing to feel that kind of love. Rob has been through so much in his life and now he is suffering the loss of his baby boy. That's something else i don't understand, why do some people have to go through so much in their lifetime? Rob is a great person, yet he has had to deal with alot of bad things. He still loves God so much and never questions him like i do. He knows God has a bigger better plan in the end, and so do I, but I don't like not understanding. Lets just say Rob has a HUGE heart and spirit that can't and wont be broken. One day soon I'm going to post about how Jackson did on ecmo and about all his days before he past away. I never got on here to blog while he was in the hospital so people really don't know. What people will be shocked about is that Jackson did very well on ecmo and was always alert and holding my hand. For all you CDH parents out there his sat numbers were always 95 plus and his C02 never came back bad, not one time. The only time his numbers went down were when they had to change his machine. Jackson had 4 ecmo machines in 9 days! The 10Th day they were going for the 5th one but we all know the ending to that. The doctors would tell me that every time they had to change the machine no matter how well the baby is doing it puts them way back! Even if he didn't need ecmo anymore and they had to change the machine it is bad. See it's not the flow that was being cut off that hurt him or set him back but it was his body having to get use to all the new plastic of the new machine. Even my body would go crazy if my blood was having to go through new tubes and plastic every 2 days. Jackson's body would have to adjust to these new machines and he did great every time! His numbers would just go down for like an hour and the doctors were amazed. I still haven't read one story or ever heard of a poor little baby's machine going out every 2 days! Even the ecmo people couldn't believe it. I have no idea why his machines weren't working but it really just pisses me off. When they did Jackson's trial off of ecmo his numbers stayed in the 90's, which means he didn't need it. As soon as they did that trial his machine started going out before they were 100% sure rather to take him off yet and so that was another set back. He was off ecmo for 2 hours and did fine but they wanted a little more time to make sure he would stay that way and his machine got a clot, and then of course he had to have the ecmo. There's lots more to that story though and I'll write some other time about it.....thank you all for the prayers and support
Candice
Every time I think to post, I just can't come up with the words to say. All I know to say is that CDH is horrible. I could go on and on about how bad my days can get if i let it get to me, but who wants to hear all that...I will say that I never in a million years thought that I would have to suffer the loss of my child. I hear of mothers all the time that have gone through the loss of their children, and I always thought there is no way in the world that i could ever handle that if it were to happen to me. Guess what it did. Even though it is the hardest thing in the world I believe God has helped me cope. I really wouldn't be strong enough without him, I didn't think I could ever handle something like this, but I'm doing it. There are some days that i just can't get Jackson out of my head and I think i just don't want to go on, I just want to be in heaven taking care of my baby and not suffering anymore, but as soon as i think that God lets me know real fast that i have a family here that needs me and Jackson is better then ever. I still think he needs his mommy though. Ok all you people out there don't take that as i want to kill myself. I've never thought that at all, I just think i want to be with my son, my baby boy that I love so much, then i realize i would have to die to be with him and I don't want that at all. Ty needs me! Everyone tells me that I'm so strong and they don't know how I do it, like i said before it has to be God, because I don't know how i do it either. I don't feel I'm a strong person. I feel like I'm falling apart on the inside and I just know how to hold it in very well. I'll tell you the strongest person I know and that is Rob. He has been so strong for me and Ty. I know he hurts so terribly bad but yet he still goes to work everyday and comes home with a smile on his face ready to see his family. He loves us so much and it's just amazing to feel that kind of love. Rob has been through so much in his life and now he is suffering the loss of his baby boy. That's something else i don't understand, why do some people have to go through so much in their lifetime? Rob is a great person, yet he has had to deal with alot of bad things. He still loves God so much and never questions him like i do. He knows God has a bigger better plan in the end, and so do I, but I don't like not understanding. Lets just say Rob has a HUGE heart and spirit that can't and wont be broken. One day soon I'm going to post about how Jackson did on ecmo and about all his days before he past away. I never got on here to blog while he was in the hospital so people really don't know. What people will be shocked about is that Jackson did very well on ecmo and was always alert and holding my hand. For all you CDH parents out there his sat numbers were always 95 plus and his C02 never came back bad, not one time. The only time his numbers went down were when they had to change his machine. Jackson had 4 ecmo machines in 9 days! The 10Th day they were going for the 5th one but we all know the ending to that. The doctors would tell me that every time they had to change the machine no matter how well the baby is doing it puts them way back! Even if he didn't need ecmo anymore and they had to change the machine it is bad. See it's not the flow that was being cut off that hurt him or set him back but it was his body having to get use to all the new plastic of the new machine. Even my body would go crazy if my blood was having to go through new tubes and plastic every 2 days. Jackson's body would have to adjust to these new machines and he did great every time! His numbers would just go down for like an hour and the doctors were amazed. I still haven't read one story or ever heard of a poor little baby's machine going out every 2 days! Even the ecmo people couldn't believe it. I have no idea why his machines weren't working but it really just pisses me off. When they did Jackson's trial off of ecmo his numbers stayed in the 90's, which means he didn't need it. As soon as they did that trial his machine started going out before they were 100% sure rather to take him off yet and so that was another set back. He was off ecmo for 2 hours and did fine but they wanted a little more time to make sure he would stay that way and his machine got a clot, and then of course he had to have the ecmo. There's lots more to that story though and I'll write some other time about it.....thank you all for the prayers and support
Candice
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
MISS IRELAND ROSE
I just wanted to congratulate Chanda and Mike Brady. Ireland Rose Brady has arrived! I have been keeping up with this sweet family for a few months now. For those of you that dnt have a CDH blog and are just my friends, Ireland also was diagnosed with CDH while in the womb. I pray for this family and I ask that you all will 2. I know how much they need it. Just watching Jackson trying to get better and all the Dr's working on him was hard, so even if Ireland Rose is doing the best you can do with this awful defect it is still very hard on the family and miss Ireland. I have so much love for these CDH babies now that we've been through it. These babies are just so strong and fight so hard. Fight Ireland fight!
candice
candice
Thursday, August 13, 2009
LIFE AFTER HIS DEATH
My my I don't know where to start,
First off I want to thank Stephanie and Shawn Studdard for posting to my blog while i was unable to. That helped us more then they'll ever know, and it kept everybody from worrying so much. I know when i was keeping up with other blogs and i didn't hear anything for a while i would begin to worry. The studdards have just been amazing and have done way more then just keep my blog updated. They were truly a blessing to us. I knew God had us find them and meet them for a reason. They were so busy in their own lifes with a baby in the hospital, another at home, and their daughter hollie as well, but they still kept doing for us. We thank you and Shawn from the bottom of our hearts.
We had Jackson's funeral yesterday, and it was just precious. So many people sent flowers and love. We had a family lunch before the funeral that was very thoughtful and delicious! The funeral was extremely hard for us, but God helped us through it all. I still can't believe my baby boy is gone. Even though we knew he was really sick we just never thought that he would be one of the babies that wouldn't make it. We just fell in love with him so fast. I will never forgot the 10 days that i got to hold his hand, love him, kiss him,and change his diapers. He was just so amazing. He always wanted to hold one of our hands, and he had such a tight hold. I loved it when he would open his eyes and look at us. He tried so so hard to stay alive. He wanted to live. He would kick and try to pull his tube out all the time. The doctors even said he had a very strong will to live. Even a lady that was working his ecmo machine told us that you could tell the babies that were going to make it most of the time because they wre so strong, no matter what happened that day he always stayed strong, he never just lay still. God just had other plans for my sweet little man. The hardest part for me is that no matter what the doctors say i know that my baby boy suffered. I don't know why God let him suffer and fight so hard and then took him away. He wanted to live so bad, and I understand he wasn't meant for me to keep and be a mommy to, so why should he have to suffer???? I know God has a plan and that i will never understand, but I'm a little bitter. My heart is just so broken. I must stop writing now it's just to hard at this point.....I just wanted to give everybody an update.
I also want to thank the Parker Reese foundation for the beautiful flowers that you sent and all the prayers.....Thank you everybody for your sweet comments and prayers, we sure do need them......
love you all......candice brooke
First off I want to thank Stephanie and Shawn Studdard for posting to my blog while i was unable to. That helped us more then they'll ever know, and it kept everybody from worrying so much. I know when i was keeping up with other blogs and i didn't hear anything for a while i would begin to worry. The studdards have just been amazing and have done way more then just keep my blog updated. They were truly a blessing to us. I knew God had us find them and meet them for a reason. They were so busy in their own lifes with a baby in the hospital, another at home, and their daughter hollie as well, but they still kept doing for us. We thank you and Shawn from the bottom of our hearts.
We had Jackson's funeral yesterday, and it was just precious. So many people sent flowers and love. We had a family lunch before the funeral that was very thoughtful and delicious! The funeral was extremely hard for us, but God helped us through it all. I still can't believe my baby boy is gone. Even though we knew he was really sick we just never thought that he would be one of the babies that wouldn't make it. We just fell in love with him so fast. I will never forgot the 10 days that i got to hold his hand, love him, kiss him,and change his diapers. He was just so amazing. He always wanted to hold one of our hands, and he had such a tight hold. I loved it when he would open his eyes and look at us. He tried so so hard to stay alive. He wanted to live. He would kick and try to pull his tube out all the time. The doctors even said he had a very strong will to live. Even a lady that was working his ecmo machine told us that you could tell the babies that were going to make it most of the time because they wre so strong, no matter what happened that day he always stayed strong, he never just lay still. God just had other plans for my sweet little man. The hardest part for me is that no matter what the doctors say i know that my baby boy suffered. I don't know why God let him suffer and fight so hard and then took him away. He wanted to live so bad, and I understand he wasn't meant for me to keep and be a mommy to, so why should he have to suffer???? I know God has a plan and that i will never understand, but I'm a little bitter. My heart is just so broken. I must stop writing now it's just to hard at this point.....I just wanted to give everybody an update.
I also want to thank the Parker Reese foundation for the beautiful flowers that you sent and all the prayers.....Thank you everybody for your sweet comments and prayers, we sure do need them......
love you all......candice brooke
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