Tuesday, September 1, 2009


Here's a poem that I found. It's only been a month and not a year for me, but this is how i feel.

Another anniversary of the day that I lost you
It's really very simple, that day I lost me too
Although I try to find the me that I used to be
I will never find that person, for she is lost to me

I know it sounds confusing to those that have no clue
That when you lose a child, you also then lose you
It sounds like one big riddle that I should work on through
But there is not an answer, not one thing I can do

Grief is what has come to me and changed me from within
It has burrowed deep inside of me, like it's a second skin
No one should live on this way but there was little choice
When grief was handed out to me, I didn't have a voice

I often wonder who I am since losing my sweet child
In the world in which I live in, I've been forced into denial
With every anniversary that marks another year
Are thoughts that come from others, that my pain should disappear

I am a mother who has lost a child on a tragic day
And with that loss it took my dreams, and visions far away
I would have chose to leave instead, for life is not so good
For all that ever mattered, was my son and motherhood.

update, and a little on Ireland


Just wanted to stop and do a little updating. My little boy Ty just turned 4 yesterday and we had his party on Saturday. He had a blast! Rob and I got him a trampoline, and then he got a lot of toys from his friends and cousins. After the party we had some friends over, and we stayed up and talked all night. I say we had friends, but what i mean is Rob had friends over. We all had a good time though and it kept me from going to bed and thinking of Jackson for 5 hours until i finally go to sleep. I do that every night, and then i dream about him. I try so hard not to think about him when i go to bed, but my head just wont stop. The birthday party was kind of bittersweet because on that day Jackson would have been 1 month old. Also Rob and i use to talk about the day Jackson came home from the hospital, and Rob always thought that Jackson's stay would be short no matter what Jackson was going through (ecmo) Rob seemed to think as soon as he got through that everything else would just fly by. I would always say " Rob i think he might have to stay in there a bit longer but that would be the best thing in the world for us to bring home our new baby boy on Tys birthday". We really believed that Jackson was going to make it and get to come home with us. So i started thinking what Rob use to say and how we use to think, and i got a little sad while Ty was opening up his gifts. I made myself get it together and finish the party, everything ended up being better. It's just hard to think that i just had a baby 4 weeks ago and he died. I don't get to show him off, i don't get to love on him, he doesn't get to be at our family birthdays or holidays, he doesn't even get to have his first birthday. I don't see how this is Gods plan, but it is. We will never get to have our whole family together, even if we have 5 more kids our family will never be complete. It saddens me that death was the outcome for our sweet baby Jackson. It saddens me that i dream about him every night, and Ty doesn't have his brother here with him, that Rob doesn't get to be a daddy to his first born son, and that we will never be ok. I am so very saddened by all of that, but we are making it some how and one day we will get to see our Jackson in heaven. We love you Jackson!

I also wanted to mention Ireland and her family. Ireland lived for 11 days with cdh and passed just 2 days ago. It really breaks my heart for this family. I know all to well what their going through, it is horrible. I am praying for you Chanda, Mikey, and Tristen. Only God can help the pain. I know the pain is so so hard to deal with right now, and i can't tell you that is gets easier because it's only been 3 weeks since we lost Jackson and it still hurts the same. I don't understand why God has baby Ireland and she's not with her parents, but there is a reason, we just don't understand. I thought Jackson was perfect as did everyone that met him. I know yall thought and felt Ireland was perfect. I really do believe that these babies that leave the earth so early are perfect. I think God made them perfect, and you see no perfect person can be on this earth it's not possible. We are sinners. God just let us see what perfect was and gave us the chance to love our perfect babies. You see i think God gave us a gift just to be able to hold and love a perfect pure soul that he created for us. So as much as you miss Ireland, consider what i have said and know that she was just to perfect for this world. Love you both.......